The Unwritten Rules of Korean Honorifics

Learning Korean is more than memorizing vocabulary and grammar. It’s about understanding a social code. At the heart of this code is the honorifics system. Textbooks explain the basic rules: `-요` for polite speech, `-습니다` for formal. But the real challenge lies in the unwritten rules, the subtle cues that dictate which form to use and when. Mastering these is key to speaking Korean naturally and respectfully.

It's Not Just About Age

A common misconception is that age is the only factor. It’s the primary one, but not the whole story. Consider the context. You might use casual language with an older close friend, but the moment their parent enters the room, you shift to polite or formal speech. The setting matters just as much.

The hierarchy is fluid. Status, defined by your job position or even the simple dynamic of a customer and server, plays a huge role. A younger CEO will be spoken to with high respect by all employees, regardless of age. The relationship’s intimacy is the final piece. The closer you are, the more likely you are to use casual language.

Reading the Room: The Art of Following Someone's Lead

How do you know what level to use? Listen. The single most important unwritten rule is to mirror the language used by the other person, especially if they are older or in a higher position. If they use polite form (`-요`), you respond in kind. If they drop to casual language with you (`반말`), it’s a sign of closeness. Wait for this invitation. Never assume you can use casual speech first with someone older or unfamiliar.

Pay attention to titles. Using someone’s title, like `사장님` (President) or `선생님` (Teacher), is a form of honorific in itself. It often goes hand-in-hand with formal verb endings.

Beyond Verbs: Honorific Vocabulary

Honorifics aren't just about grammar. Many common words have special honorific equivalents. You don't just change the verb ending; you change the word itself.

Instead of `먹다` (to eat), use `잡수시다` or `드시다`.

Instead of `있다` (to be), use `계시다`.

Instead of `말` (words), use `말씀`.

Using these honorific nouns and verbs elevates your speech significantly. It shows a deeper layer of respect. Hearing someone use `말씀` is your cue that a very respectful tone is expected.

When the Rules Bend and Blend

Real conversations are messy. You might start a sentence formally and end it casually as you gauge the atmosphere. In group settings, you’ll often use a mix of levels, addressing each person appropriately. This is advanced, but knowing it exists helps you understand why conversations flow the way they do.

The goal isn't perfection. It's awareness. Koreans are generally forgiving of learners, but an effort to be respectful is always appreciated. Listen closely. Observe the dynamics. When in doubt, default to the polite `-요` form. It’s the safest and most versatile tool in your kit. Understanding these unwritten rules is your passport to deeper, more authentic connections in Korean.